It’s 12:31 am on Labor Day (technically), and here I am on this weird, foreign thing called tumblr, trying to figure out how this darn thing works because I have finally given in to this occasional and yet quite nagging urge to write again. I have not written something for other people to read since my sophomore year of high school when I wrote for the school newspaper. It wore me out, and so I stopped. But all my life, I have loved to write. I’ve been told I’m a decent writer. I don’t really care if that’s true or not. I just know that it’s time to start trying again.
This makes me a lil’ bit nervous. Even as I write this, I wonder things such as, “Will anyone even read this? Will people think it looks cute? Nobody cares, probably.” These are all silly, shallow-seeming issues that actually stem from this thing I have come to call my identity crisis. You see, some things have been building up inside of me over the past few weeks. And very recently things have all come to a head.
I’m an external processor, which means I need to either talk things out or write them down to actually understand what’s going on. So, over the course of a few weeks, I’ve been talking to some people and writing some things down. And this is pretty much the summation of what I’ve come to realize.
If you’re reading this post, it means that you probably know me on some level. So you probably are aware that I identify myself as a follower of Jesus Christ. Well, that’s the irony of what I’m writing about. I claim Jesus as the source of my identity. But the more I strive to live as if I truly am who He says I am, the more I realize that I really suck at doing that. Here are some specific examples.
He says I am His beloved. That He loves me because He loves me. I live like I need to win His love.
He says I am free from my sin. I live under legalism and perfectionism. (That means I’m a rule-follower and I want everything I do to be perfect.)
He says His grace is a free gift, and the best one He can offer. I live like there are better things out there.
He says I’m a new creation. I live in my old tendencies.
He says He is pleased with me. I live as if He is constantly disappointed with me.
All of these come down to one fairly simple thing: I don’t yet know how to fully embrace my identity as one who belongs to the King.
I’m pretty sure that many other people struggle with this kind of thing, because I have talked with them about it. It’s one of those things that many people who love Jesus don’t want to talk about, because it’s uncomfortable. It’s not the most fun time when you realize that you don’t live in the kind of freedom you’re encouraging and leading others to live under.
Don’t get me wrong here. Jesus is absolutely the best Thing to ever happen to me. He is my Most Favorite, my biggest Encourager, my Everything. Or at least I want Him to be. I am trying to chase after Him with all I’ve got. And, I mean, really, He’s all I’ve got. But it’s just a new season. A learning curve. Another obstacle to overcome, one where I will hopefully come out stronger on the other side. He is faithful, you guys. He’s the truest and most constant One I’ve ever known. So I know that this will be okay. Maybe just not right away.
One other thing you should know about me: I am a fixer. If it’s not a quick fix, I’m already frustrated with the idea of having to wait for it to be fixed. But this time, I’m trying to be okay with these imperfections, these things that aren’t quite finished in me yet. I’m not looking for a quick fix this time; I’m honestly just looking to write some things down again. Because I believe that vulnerability is important. And maybe if I share some things about my journey, someone else will read my words and be comforted. And even if no one ever reads this, it’s at least the first time I’ve written in awhile, and that’ll just about do it for me.